Things McNadoes Will Not Do With a Tornado
The following represents McNadoes Corporation's official and legally binding list of prohibited service applications. This document is reviewed quarterly and updated as necessary. It has been updated fourteen times. We find this number instructive.
Important: This policy applies to all prospective clients, existing clients, referral partners, county commissioners, state legislators, and any individual who has heard about McNadoes and thought, "I wonder if they would just..." — Yes, we have considered it. No, we will not.
Residential Applications
Leaf Blowing
We have been asked about this more than once. The answer has not changed.
Pool Draining
A tornado is not a pump. We understand the appeal. The answer is no.
Moving Assistance
Effective, certainly. Practical, no. Your belongings have not been insured for this.
Landscaping
McNadoes does not offer topiary services, sod removal, or what one prospective client described as 'aggressive aeration.' We've logged this three times.
Commercial & Industrial
Competitive Disruption
McNadoes will not direct a tornado at a competitor's facility, job site, warehouse, parking lot, or signage. This has come up. The people who ask are not subtle about it.
Parking Enforcement
A municipality in western Kansas proposed a pilot program in 2022. We declined. The proposal was detailed and the enthusiasm was troubling.
Drive-Through Expediting
No.
'Just a Little One' for Any Purpose
There is no 'little one.' We appreciate the confidence in our precision, but atmospheric systems do not have a small setting.
Agricultural Misuse
Cattle Relocation
We understand the math. The cattle do not consent to this arrangement and our insurance carrier has been very clear.
Grain Mixing
This was proposed by an actual grain elevator operator. The answer was, and remains, no.
Irrigation (General)
A tornado moves water in a direction that cannot be characterized as helpful to crops.
Event Services
Weddings
We received four inquiries in 2023. This policy section was added in 2023.
Graduation Parties
See above. The demographic skews younger and the requests are more specific. This concerns us.
Fireworks Enhancement
The physics of this are exactly as bad as they sound.
State Fair Attraction
We explored this. The liability alone filled a three-ring binder. Two people asked if the tornado could wear a hat.
Government & Civic
Zoning Dispute Resolution
We are aware this would be efficient. The answer is no, and the person who sent us a formal RFP for this knows who they are.
Election Infrastructure of Any Kind
This category requires no additional explanation and will not receive one.
Property Line Arbitration
Tornadoes do not recognize surveyor stakes. Neither do the courts, we have since learned.
Personal
Mother-in-Law Relocation
This is the single most common personal inquiry we receive. The answer is no. We understand the situation. The answer is still no. We would ask that you stop describing it as a 'debris removal' job in the intake form, as this does not change the answer and has begun to affect morale.
Revenge
McNadoes does not offer revenge as a service category. If you believe you have a legitimate use case that merely resembles revenge, you are mistaken.
Dramatic Effect for Social Media
We've had three clients attempt to negotiate a 'brief pass' near their property for content purposes. The answer was no. The content would have been good. The answer is still no.
Dog Grooming
This was a joke in our original company brochure. We have since removed it because people kept calling about it.
"We started this list because we thought it would be short. We were wrong about that. The list continues to grow because people continue to ask questions that require it to grow, and every single one of those people sounded completely serious. We respect that. We have to say no anyway. If you have a legitimate inquiry, we welcome it. We've probably heard it. The answer is probably no. But we welcome it."
— Steve McKay, Founder & CEO, McNadoes Corporation